A War Within Ourselves

Thoughts have been spinning and my mind has been frantic, gasping for the breath of making sense of it all. These thoughts, they continue in a vicious circle and cycle. Worrying about life and expectations, then worrying because I am worrying, then worrying because I am worrying about worrying.

They say your 20s is a stressful time, a most vulnerable stage and age. There are these expectations and apparently we're supposed to meet them. That's what we're striving for. Make decisions. What if I can't make the right decision? What if, there is no WRONG or right choice? Either way, a choice will lead us somewhere or another. Why then, am I frantically worrying about the right or wrong choice? is it expectation? is it fear? fear of not meeting expectation? in the end: we all live on. There is no final destination. No final step we're all supposed mount on. It's all along the Journey. That  is essentially life... this journey, and it's now.

And there seems no point to these expectations others have put on us, and which we've then  put on ourselves. We're all trapped in this vicious cycle. Our minds have have reflected themselves onto life itself.

And I guess once you hit rock bottom, you can only tread on an incline from there.

Lyrics keep repeating themselves within the mind, trying to sort them and make sense of them. Trying to relate. Cuz god forbid, we hope we can relate to someone and hope someone knows this excruciating pain or extreme highs we've been feeling.. the feeling to be human. Why the hell are humans pretending they don't feel this feeling to BE human? that frustration of loving someone and it going to waste? not being in control of everything or anyone, including ourselves. We're building facades to be something we're not, ultimately to protect ourselves which isn't actually protecting.

I don't believe in destiny, however I try to believe in something bigger to remain sane and to keep me moving and trekking. I put my trust in hope. Hope that things will get better and suffering is often only temporary but essential to mending and reviving the human spirit.

Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Oh the euphoria I gain as I write the sweet numbers of two, zero, one and five. The four numbers I will write/see and live the next 362 days of the year.  As the earth has yet again made its journey around the sun and hit the point where the gregorian calendar began, it starts its cycle once again. The same path its been taking for 4.54 billion years. Our celebrations will continue to be held on the same mark for many more years to come.
Being the stubborn person I am, I don't quite believe in making lofty New Years Resolutions which quickly fade, leave people standing in the same weight, same relationships, and still in disappointment. That is until the next year... when they can repeat it all over again.
I do, however, like the feeling a new year brings. The feeling of rebirth, renewal, recreation and being able to see that 2015 remains unwritten and we are the ones who help fill the blank pages. The feeling that we can shake out the past year.
Each day should and can be treated as such though. Never again will there be a January 3rd, 2015, for today we're younger than we're ever going to be. Shake out the previous day and restart each day as it is a new one. Each day we live is bound to be written, but we have control over what is actually placed in ink.





In the sweet words of Florence and the Machine:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

est-ce que tu ris?

Sometimes I imagine the god I used to believe in, either sitting on a golden throne or standing on a marble pedestal, watching below as his human creations roam the sphere of which he also created. Only I don't just imagine him watching, but laughing, even chuckling as his eyes meet his creatures humorously.

Laughing as the hearts continue to ache in the morning, afternoon and evening after a long night of weeping. Chuckling as it continues on for weeks, even months. 

Laughing as fights between friends take place,
 as our lovers go wrong.
as our best friend is murdered.
 as our loved ones fall to cancer, disease...
as the mothers and the fathers neglect their children, they once thought they loved.
Laughing as the woman starves herself to gain a perfect image, and gain attention she's so desperately wanted
as the woman's shirt gets lower, the pant legs higher, the hips smaller and the breasts larger to please and obtain the men.
Laughing as our minds and bodies go numb, no longer able to gain pleasure from our passions we only thought we once had.
Laughing as children are put into labor, making roughly $1.25 a day so those of the western world can enjoy their brand-name shoes.
Laughing as the child doesn't wish to go to school, because he is bullied for being who he is and what he was born with.
as the teachers subtly tell their student they're not fitting to mainstream gender stereotypes.

I envision him enjoying the sight as they seek more pills and liquor to numb the pain he only allowed in the first place.

Finding pleasure as humans fall to their knees and thank him for his grace.
as they write songs and sing glory to his name

and when good happens to them? is it disappointment? is it gladness?

Thoughts on Introversion

As of late rushes of thoughts have been overwhelming my mind and my fingers have only yearned to set them out... on paper and even on the inter webs, as is the case in this instance. I fear I have too many and I won't actually be able to properly sort them out.

As a kid, the media constantly pounded through my ears, searching for my mind that it might set that I should be myself. I heard that all over;  in my sunday school class by my church leaders, by my father, by the my favorite pop hits, books, movies. I thought I understood the concept but wasn't quite following it, and I became evermore disappointed in myself. 

See, in my American mind, it was engrained that being myself meant going out, acting crazy, talking to everybody, hanging out on the weekend... actually having friends. I'd go out and attempt to do that, but I would, in many cases: fail miserably. Growing up, I wasn't known by my volleyball skills, my love for nature, culture and good music, I was known as the "shy girl." For some odd reason, it always had to be brought up. My mind retraces the painful memories as I was asked in almost every social setting: "Why are you so quiet McKenna?" "C'mon McKenna, be a little bit more outgoing." In many cases, I would agree with negative comments, agreed that in order to be successful and to be placed on the top of the social hierarchy, I had to defeat this what-seemed-to-be an innate trait.

In reality, I preferred listening over talking, quitting the small talk and cutting to more sincere conversations, I loved making expressions on my face instead of forcing out comments, I preferred smaller groups to larger groups and I loved spending time by myself, but western society made me feel as though those were just symptoms of a disease called: "introversion." For some god-awful reason, introversion is weakness.. people assumed I didn't like humans, when indeed I loved humans, I just showed it in less known ways.

It hasn't been until the last couple of years I have began to discover my true personality, opinions, likes and dislikes and how extremely important it is to stay true to those traits. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and knowing my limits.

I have an extremely sensitive personality, meaning sounds, energy, smells, and emotions affect me easily. I'm the one who must sway to music either live or just playing in the local grocery store because I feel it so strongly. I can cry to any movie, music, book or billboard. I am extremely good at laughing when something catches my humor.  I can feel the anger through my veins as I find something unjust or when people act irrationally. My emotions are easily stirred by a raindrop, or a sun setting behind a mountain. I find it easy to sympathize with people and understand their personalities.  This holds true to group settings, I am highly affected by a lot of energy. While, I  love socializing and getting to know people, I can only handle so much of it. After a large party, I have to go home and sit with myself. And often in such a setting, the large amount of people reach the tip of my sensitivity, causing me to be more reclusive.

Finding the strengths of my personality has been relieving. Knowing I don't have to be ashamed for what I was born with. Knowing that it feels so damn good to own my personality. Of course there are things I want to work on about me and parts of introversion that can often hold me back, it's nice to say.. You know what?? I don't feel ashamed for wanting to leave or decline an invitation to a big group setting to read a book or gaze at the stars with just myself and me alone.

Own YOURSELF and your quirks, whether you are extroverted, introverted, gay, straight, mormon, atheist. BE PROUD. There will always be flaws in all of us, but it is for us to decide if they are actually flaws. It's the beauty of being human and being different. Think of how mundane and dysfunctional the world would be if we were all extroverted? or vice versa? We wouldn't have learned the great teachings of Mahatma Gandi (introverted) or be affected by the great power and rhetoric of Martin Luther King Jr. (extroverted) it's all intertwined nicely, until cultures begin preferring one of the personality traits over another.



Thank you.

In Honor of Earth Day

About a couple weeks ago, a rather frustrating day came my way, as event upon event had me in tears by the evening. The social world seemed to remind me that I am, indeed, an outsider within the place I have always called home.

 Luckily, Southern Utah Wilderness Alliance came to be my savior and freed me from such terrible thoughts and reminded me what really is important to me. Chris Noble, a highly acclaimed photographer, presented some of his works and also words at the Chris mill at the Tracy Aviary as part of the motive to save southern Utah (you can check out www.suwa.org). His pictures he shared were those of southern Utah along with pictures of the rest of the earth. I found his photographs beyond explanation and they seemed to ignite something within me and touch the bottom of my soul. I sat in awe and even began tearing up like believer during a sermon.

I do not claim belief in one all-knowing god who is, seemingly, very patriarchal, nor do I do so for revelation and prayer, but I can be a witness of the sensation I get when in nature and free from the noose of society and its constant strains.

The thrill as my feet swiftly glide, one after another on my favorite running trails.
The tranquility as I transcend a trail among the red rocks, green alpine or lush jungle.
The lift of my spirit as I sit in solitude observing the grace and beauty of the earth.
The peace as I lie under the stars and moon, contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
The rush as the rapids move me along the river.
The connection as my hands make contact with the earths' rocks and I climb upwards.
The stillness I feel as I see the sun slowly set spreading an illuminating orange across the earth.
and the list goes on and on.

This came as  relief to be reminded that even if I lack the feeling of acceptance by my own culture, nature always offers its open palm and endless adventure. For in nature, judgement never survives.

Utahns, you live on one of the most spectacular pieces of land. Take advantage of it. Because I am this summer.... WHooooo Summer 14. Join along, if you'd like. ;)

“I faced in myself a passionate and tenacious longing--to put away thought forever, and all the trouble it brings, all but the nearest desire, direct and searching. To take the trail and not look back..Let the rest of mankind find me if it could.” - John Haines

James Franco

Idolizing those who appear on every American's LCD screens, the magazines displayed in every American grocery store, the billboards and sides of internet browsers is not a thing I like to admit to. In fact, in recent times, I've looked down on those tweens/teens/those-in-their-twenties who shamelessly fall  to sleep under posters of One Direction and Justin Bieber every night. I guess I fall as a product of my American culture and a hypocrite because I am so infatuated with this man.

This man: James Franco.

I swear the gods came together to fix up the perfect DNA when creating Franco. A living god, he is. It is my belief this man could make me a hypocrite to any of my current beliefs. I'd pray to him, follow his commandments, follow him to the promised land, ask him to forgive me of all my sins.. Practically anything that would get me closer to him and allow me to live with him someday.



Okay, okay, my infatuation is not quite so extreme but I would admit to him being my celebrity man crush any day.

Connection

I know I wrote about Florence from Florence + the Machine a while back as I do have one big fat lady crush on that woman. I heard something from her a few days ago and she seemed to put all my feelings into words:"That's the great thing about music: if you're feeling down or alone a song can come on, and it will actually speak to you, and all of a sudden you'll feel like someone else somewhere went through the same thing. It's like that with books, and art. It's just a way of getting in contact, connecting with people." 

This is why I so desperately love books which apply to me. Why I listen to sad music when I'm feeling sad, why I turn on a romance when I feel lonely. It's all about connection. Human connection. Knowing that we all somehow relate on the same levels. It's beautiful.

I'll admit, Adele has gotten me through much pain the past few days. Thoreau has enlightened me while Matt & Kim continually drive me to experience something new each day. I feel a connection with all these many artists and I thank them for sharing. Hell, I thank many of my high school acquaintances for sharing their writings, photos and music over the internet. Having graduated in 2013 only brings a greater connection. 
Thank you for your words.