I've mentioned this before, but the last few months of 2015 were rough on me, in fact, I'd say a lot of the months before these ones now were rough on me. Engulfed by fear, anxiety, lack of self confidence, fear of not meeting social expectations but also fear that I would meet social expectations and live a life I never wanted. I battled with these feelings, especially Uni and the way our society know rules out an individual. Find your calling, find your passion and well, if you don't, do what ever other god damn person is doing. Also, fork out a bunch of money to your Uni so you can get so-called "trained" in your passion, or just whatever everyone else is up to. I'd feel well for a moment or two, to then anxious. Never balanced out. A rollercoaster, so zusagen.
I sat with my mother one night after a breakup with a guy i had dated for about a year. Of course you you're irrational and not in the greatest of mindsets at that point, but I was retracing the past year and coming to realization that the last time I felt content for a good amount of time was when I was in Thailand. Soaking in the sun and reading a good book when I could and taking in every moment as it was. Teaching kids, and supplying them with knowledge. It wasn't just about me anymore. So mellow and content and I only craved for that feeling back, I just lacked the tools and the map to get there.
Fastforward, being alone wasn't an option so I opted for another guy, perhaps for the wrong reasons. I ran to Europe for a few weeks, perhaps in hopes for an awakening. I had a helluva time. It was then I realized how precious connection and newness is for the soul. As you can probably connect the dots, that relationship with the new guy fell through after a few months. I suppose I wanted him so I could adapt his free spirit, his love for the world and maybe reach some new awakening. Little did I know, someone can't change you, it takes your own initiative to actually change.
Sept/October 2015- December 2015, I was stuck. Stuck in self pity, self loathing and not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I dropped all my classes that semester, just worked and slept to numb the pain.
January 2016, things began to drastically change as I started taking initiative and doing things I always wanted to and stopped letting fear tell me otherwise. I read an article in the NYE op ed, and I swear my life was turned upside down for the better. " To Be Happier, Start Thinking More About Your Death" by Arthur C. Brooks. As morbid as it may sound, it resonated with me and gave me a new perspective I never quite fully grasped until recently. Brooks talks about thai buddhist monks who when meditating think about corpses and is key to better living as he explains "it makes one think, am i making the right use of my scarce and precious life?" and it hit me. I was thinking more and being puppeteered by fear than I was actually living. For 6 months, i've never felt so content and not to mention, confident. I've been single and I've never felt happier being single. Proving to myself that my happiness can come from me and not lie dependent on someone else. Things don't stress me out anymore, fear doesn't have much relevance. My mind and my soul are healthy. That's not to say everything is fine and dandy.... but hell.
I feel content. That's all ever asked for and all I ever will <3
And tomorrow the next 2 week journey on the Utah desert trail commences and I couldn't be more excited to be with these girls who've been through so much at their young age, and are teaching me so much about life and are allowing me to teach them in return.
Happy Trails and all my love,
McKenna Marie xx
I sat with my mother one night after a breakup with a guy i had dated for about a year. Of course you you're irrational and not in the greatest of mindsets at that point, but I was retracing the past year and coming to realization that the last time I felt content for a good amount of time was when I was in Thailand. Soaking in the sun and reading a good book when I could and taking in every moment as it was. Teaching kids, and supplying them with knowledge. It wasn't just about me anymore. So mellow and content and I only craved for that feeling back, I just lacked the tools and the map to get there.
Fastforward, being alone wasn't an option so I opted for another guy, perhaps for the wrong reasons. I ran to Europe for a few weeks, perhaps in hopes for an awakening. I had a helluva time. It was then I realized how precious connection and newness is for the soul. As you can probably connect the dots, that relationship with the new guy fell through after a few months. I suppose I wanted him so I could adapt his free spirit, his love for the world and maybe reach some new awakening. Little did I know, someone can't change you, it takes your own initiative to actually change.
Sept/October 2015- December 2015, I was stuck. Stuck in self pity, self loathing and not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I dropped all my classes that semester, just worked and slept to numb the pain.
January 2016, things began to drastically change as I started taking initiative and doing things I always wanted to and stopped letting fear tell me otherwise. I read an article in the NYE op ed, and I swear my life was turned upside down for the better. " To Be Happier, Start Thinking More About Your Death" by Arthur C. Brooks. As morbid as it may sound, it resonated with me and gave me a new perspective I never quite fully grasped until recently. Brooks talks about thai buddhist monks who when meditating think about corpses and is key to better living as he explains "it makes one think, am i making the right use of my scarce and precious life?" and it hit me. I was thinking more and being puppeteered by fear than I was actually living. For 6 months, i've never felt so content and not to mention, confident. I've been single and I've never felt happier being single. Proving to myself that my happiness can come from me and not lie dependent on someone else. Things don't stress me out anymore, fear doesn't have much relevance. My mind and my soul are healthy. That's not to say everything is fine and dandy.... but hell.
I feel content. That's all ever asked for and all I ever will <3
And tomorrow the next 2 week journey on the Utah desert trail commences and I couldn't be more excited to be with these girls who've been through so much at their young age, and are teaching me so much about life and are allowing me to teach them in return.
Happy Trails and all my love,
McKenna Marie xx
