Out of the woods for two and a half weeks now and it is all a bit strange, really. I say this all the time, but once out of the wilderness, I go through a couple days of pure melancholy, trying to make sense of what humans have made a reality and even though I don't want to be affected by it or succumb to any of what seems nonsense, the media and society still has its hold on me. It's not necessarily a bad thing as far as being concerned with how you fit into society. It is entirely human. We all need our tribes. It's just a matter of belonging to a tribe that accepts your authentic self. Key is authenticity and connecting with those who accept that and are able to be authentic in and of themselves. And now I'm just ranting...
Out in the wilderness, its surreal. No phones to distract you, no Facebook, no politicians. And those out there with you, they engage purely in conversation because there is no cellphone to be constantly looked at. All you have is each other's company in the vast wilderness, untouched by the bull shit, we humans have created.
I've taken a break from my adventures as a wilderness therapy guide, mostly due to the weather getting colder and I am attempting to continue working on my degree. Granted, there's a high possibility I'll go back out there come summer of 2017.
Being succumbed to the restraints of society, and missing the pureness the wilderness provides, I'm challenging myself to let go of some worldly things I no longer want to have a hold on me. I'm taking a break. Taking a break from social media... Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat. Ironically, blogger is a form of social media as well, though I find it a bit more productive than those listed before. I wish to write on here a little bit more to share some thoughts, but I can't promise anything.
Lets commit to living more fulfilling lives. Because perhaps we should start living instead of merely surviving.
All my love,
McKenna Marie xx
M.C
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Zufrieden
The German word Zufrieden can literally be translated to mean at peace, but according to a German-English dictionary, it means content. Being content has always been my prioritized goal, unfortunately unlike goals such as losing weight where there are obvious steps to reach it( i.e exercise, diet), becoming content lies at the end of much more skewed lines and the paths are often only shaped to the individual. It's a journey, and though you might reach the destination once, you'll loose sight of that destination and seek to find it again, sometimes taking a much different route than the one before.
I've mentioned this before, but the last few months of 2015 were rough on me, in fact, I'd say a lot of the months before these ones now were rough on me. Engulfed by fear, anxiety, lack of self confidence, fear of not meeting social expectations but also fear that I would meet social expectations and live a life I never wanted. I battled with these feelings, especially Uni and the way our society know rules out an individual. Find your calling, find your passion and well, if you don't, do what ever other god damn person is doing. Also, fork out a bunch of money to your Uni so you can get so-called "trained" in your passion, or just whatever everyone else is up to. I'd feel well for a moment or two, to then anxious. Never balanced out. A rollercoaster, so zusagen.
I sat with my mother one night after a breakup with a guy i had dated for about a year. Of course you you're irrational and not in the greatest of mindsets at that point, but I was retracing the past year and coming to realization that the last time I felt content for a good amount of time was when I was in Thailand. Soaking in the sun and reading a good book when I could and taking in every moment as it was. Teaching kids, and supplying them with knowledge. It wasn't just about me anymore. So mellow and content and I only craved for that feeling back, I just lacked the tools and the map to get there.
Fastforward, being alone wasn't an option so I opted for another guy, perhaps for the wrong reasons. I ran to Europe for a few weeks, perhaps in hopes for an awakening. I had a helluva time. It was then I realized how precious connection and newness is for the soul. As you can probably connect the dots, that relationship with the new guy fell through after a few months. I suppose I wanted him so I could adapt his free spirit, his love for the world and maybe reach some new awakening. Little did I know, someone can't change you, it takes your own initiative to actually change.
Sept/October 2015- December 2015, I was stuck. Stuck in self pity, self loathing and not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I dropped all my classes that semester, just worked and slept to numb the pain.
January 2016, things began to drastically change as I started taking initiative and doing things I always wanted to and stopped letting fear tell me otherwise. I read an article in the NYE op ed, and I swear my life was turned upside down for the better. " To Be Happier, Start Thinking More About Your Death" by Arthur C. Brooks. As morbid as it may sound, it resonated with me and gave me a new perspective I never quite fully grasped until recently. Brooks talks about thai buddhist monks who when meditating think about corpses and is key to better living as he explains "it makes one think, am i making the right use of my scarce and precious life?" and it hit me. I was thinking more and being puppeteered by fear than I was actually living. For 6 months, i've never felt so content and not to mention, confident. I've been single and I've never felt happier being single. Proving to myself that my happiness can come from me and not lie dependent on someone else. Things don't stress me out anymore, fear doesn't have much relevance. My mind and my soul are healthy. That's not to say everything is fine and dandy.... but hell.
I feel content. That's all ever asked for and all I ever will <3
And tomorrow the next 2 week journey on the Utah desert trail commences and I couldn't be more excited to be with these girls who've been through so much at their young age, and are teaching me so much about life and are allowing me to teach them in return.
Happy Trails and all my love,
McKenna Marie xx
I sat with my mother one night after a breakup with a guy i had dated for about a year. Of course you you're irrational and not in the greatest of mindsets at that point, but I was retracing the past year and coming to realization that the last time I felt content for a good amount of time was when I was in Thailand. Soaking in the sun and reading a good book when I could and taking in every moment as it was. Teaching kids, and supplying them with knowledge. It wasn't just about me anymore. So mellow and content and I only craved for that feeling back, I just lacked the tools and the map to get there.
Fastforward, being alone wasn't an option so I opted for another guy, perhaps for the wrong reasons. I ran to Europe for a few weeks, perhaps in hopes for an awakening. I had a helluva time. It was then I realized how precious connection and newness is for the soul. As you can probably connect the dots, that relationship with the new guy fell through after a few months. I suppose I wanted him so I could adapt his free spirit, his love for the world and maybe reach some new awakening. Little did I know, someone can't change you, it takes your own initiative to actually change.
Sept/October 2015- December 2015, I was stuck. Stuck in self pity, self loathing and not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I dropped all my classes that semester, just worked and slept to numb the pain.
January 2016, things began to drastically change as I started taking initiative and doing things I always wanted to and stopped letting fear tell me otherwise. I read an article in the NYE op ed, and I swear my life was turned upside down for the better. " To Be Happier, Start Thinking More About Your Death" by Arthur C. Brooks. As morbid as it may sound, it resonated with me and gave me a new perspective I never quite fully grasped until recently. Brooks talks about thai buddhist monks who when meditating think about corpses and is key to better living as he explains "it makes one think, am i making the right use of my scarce and precious life?" and it hit me. I was thinking more and being puppeteered by fear than I was actually living. For 6 months, i've never felt so content and not to mention, confident. I've been single and I've never felt happier being single. Proving to myself that my happiness can come from me and not lie dependent on someone else. Things don't stress me out anymore, fear doesn't have much relevance. My mind and my soul are healthy. That's not to say everything is fine and dandy.... but hell.
I feel content. That's all ever asked for and all I ever will <3
And tomorrow the next 2 week journey on the Utah desert trail commences and I couldn't be more excited to be with these girls who've been through so much at their young age, and are teaching me so much about life and are allowing me to teach them in return.
Happy Trails and all my love,
McKenna Marie xx
Friday, April 22, 2016
ganz ehrlich gesagt...
I realize my writings come off across as a bit emotional, and when I say emotional, more towards the depressed/angry/bitter side.
I'm incredibly content right now. In fact this is the most i've felt content since living in Thailand. I feel a rush of confidence almost daily and feel ever-so grateful to be alive. There are dips into sadness though, and anger, and melancholia, and frustration, and you get the point... These are the times when we turn to art, I think. These are the times when we have to connect to something beyond ourselves and express our humanity. We raffle with these feelings... The perfectly normal feelings of being a human being.
I guess this is just my attempt at looking at my feelings and creating something from it.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
"How wild it was, to let it be"
"How wild it was, to let it be."
The days have been better. Much better. Anxiety doesn't have much relevance anymore. I feel okay. That's all I ever wished for.
I kissed him for the final time, stepped back and wished him better days. People disappoint, but only because we put expectations on them at the very beginning.
And at the end of the day, I wish you well. That's all I'll ever wish you.
I love you.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Weltbürgerin
My head fell to the pillow of my bed in Salt Lake City- Thoughts running through my head, and tears began to stir. Hard to come to terms with the fact that I was across the atlantic in Amsterdam earlier that morning.
Sleep was distances away as jet lag was still affecting me, and only my memories of the past three weeks replayed to keep my restless company.
Europe was exactly that. I wouldn't say it was better than my home. Mind, I consider Germany as my "zweites Zuhause"... and I consider aspects of the places I visited better than my own home, and him... I always feel at home when with him or talking to him.
Looking back, I'm surprised I hopped up and left, just being the anxious person I am. Running away from the realities of my current life in Utah, as I sometimes think I do. But to be fair, I also find it highly important to travel. In the wise words of someone anonymous I found in the national geographic:
Whether it's seeing the one you highly adore in England, soaking in the mediterranean sun and enjoying every sunset right along his side in Malta, rekindling old times with who you consider your family in Pinzberg, Deutschland on a summer Spaziergang auf the grandiose Walberla, drinking a 1 liter Bier while dancing on a table to Deutsche Musik at the Erlangen Bergkirchweih, or finally sharing a stroopwaffel and beautiful conversations on the side of a canal in Amsterdam with a pen pal you've had for years.... You start to remember what's important to you in life and the anxieties of your daily life don't have prevalence anymore.
We've been in contact every day, ever since. Hours on FaceTime somedays.
I told him this after I had left, that at the end of the day and literally nearing the end of my life, material things wouldn't matter anymore, what would hold dear to my heart were the positive memories I created and I was grateful to create them with him... also that I was looking forward to making more. That's one thing no one, except for maybe dementia or some other mentally eating disease can take from another.
I want to continue making positive memories and some of the best memories are those you share.
All my love,
McKenna Marie xx
Sad to leave something so precious behind.
It was one helluva time and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything else.
Europe was exactly that. I wouldn't say it was better than my home. Mind, I consider Germany as my "zweites Zuhause"... and I consider aspects of the places I visited better than my own home, and him... I always feel at home when with him or talking to him.
Looking back, I'm surprised I hopped up and left, just being the anxious person I am. Running away from the realities of my current life in Utah, as I sometimes think I do. But to be fair, I also find it highly important to travel. In the wise words of someone anonymous I found in the national geographic:
"I don't travel to escape life, I travel so life might not escape me."
Whether it's seeing the one you highly adore in England, soaking in the mediterranean sun and enjoying every sunset right along his side in Malta, rekindling old times with who you consider your family in Pinzberg, Deutschland on a summer Spaziergang auf the grandiose Walberla, drinking a 1 liter Bier while dancing on a table to Deutsche Musik at the Erlangen Bergkirchweih, or finally sharing a stroopwaffel and beautiful conversations on the side of a canal in Amsterdam with a pen pal you've had for years.... You start to remember what's important to you in life and the anxieties of your daily life don't have prevalence anymore.
We've been in contact every day, ever since. Hours on FaceTime somedays.
I told him this after I had left, that at the end of the day and literally nearing the end of my life, material things wouldn't matter anymore, what would hold dear to my heart were the positive memories I created and I was grateful to create them with him... also that I was looking forward to making more. That's one thing no one, except for maybe dementia or some other mentally eating disease can take from another.
I want to continue making positive memories and some of the best memories are those you share.
All my love,
McKenna Marie xx
Friday, May 1, 2015
Le Voyage
This semester.
It's been a hell of a journey. I don't think i've ever felt such a contrasting and vast amount of emotions in just a few months time span.
"Welcome to your 20s" my english professor laughed as I told her this. One hell of a lady. If it's one thing i'm grateful for these past months; I'm glad I took her class. Not so keen on knowing that I'm just touching the starting point of my 20s... but ya know....
I've turned somewhat bitter against the american school system, mostly my high school education and now my college education. Mind, this semester I felt like I sucked out my soul only taking general education class which I wasn't entirely interested in. Spending so much time, effort, money and not to mention: stress towards subjects which I don't really care for and which don't seem to help me improve as an individual or, as a contributor to current society... Doing things that I don't like doing in order to live on to do things that I don't like doing, so to say. Becoming trapped and controlled within societal expectations.
Call it bitterness or just able to reflect on the reality of the cruelty of life and humans within life.
I've always considered myself to be a fairly open person, and easily able to put my trust in others. It's shifted though.. I feel as if I can't trust people anymore or at least as easily. I've felt deceived, mistreated, and used. When it comes down to it, many only pursue relationships out of self-interest. If you don't meet those interests, you're most-likely no longer wanted. And this is what I say to those $#&*@#$##$# $%@#%%$$:
I've been thinking a lot about this quote I read my senior year of high school, which I've kept in ink within some moleskin since, and it's this:
Mostly I feel well and content, but certain circumstances and people have reached my tipping point. I'm ready to cut out destructive realtionships and pursue healthier surroundings. Couldn't be more ready and ecstatic for my 3 week venture to Europe on my own.. only to rekindle beautiful relationships with all humans, architecture, food, nature, plus some!
Not that the old world is necessarily better than my home, but it's different. And sometimes... Sometimes that's all we need: difference to make a difference ;)
Let's go, Let's go.
It's been a hell of a journey. I don't think i've ever felt such a contrasting and vast amount of emotions in just a few months time span.
"Welcome to your 20s" my english professor laughed as I told her this. One hell of a lady. If it's one thing i'm grateful for these past months; I'm glad I took her class. Not so keen on knowing that I'm just touching the starting point of my 20s... but ya know....
I've turned somewhat bitter against the american school system, mostly my high school education and now my college education. Mind, this semester I felt like I sucked out my soul only taking general education class which I wasn't entirely interested in. Spending so much time, effort, money and not to mention: stress towards subjects which I don't really care for and which don't seem to help me improve as an individual or, as a contributor to current society... Doing things that I don't like doing in order to live on to do things that I don't like doing, so to say. Becoming trapped and controlled within societal expectations.
Call it bitterness or just able to reflect on the reality of the cruelty of life and humans within life.
I've always considered myself to be a fairly open person, and easily able to put my trust in others. It's shifted though.. I feel as if I can't trust people anymore or at least as easily. I've felt deceived, mistreated, and used. When it comes down to it, many only pursue relationships out of self-interest. If you don't meet those interests, you're most-likely no longer wanted. And this is what I say to those $#&*@#$##$# $%@#%%$$:
I've been thinking a lot about this quote I read my senior year of high school, which I've kept in ink within some moleskin since, and it's this:
"I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
Mostly I feel well and content, but certain circumstances and people have reached my tipping point. I'm ready to cut out destructive realtionships and pursue healthier surroundings. Couldn't be more ready and ecstatic for my 3 week venture to Europe on my own.. only to rekindle beautiful relationships with all humans, architecture, food, nature, plus some!
Not that the old world is necessarily better than my home, but it's different. And sometimes... Sometimes that's all we need: difference to make a difference ;)
Let's go, Let's go.
Friday, February 27, 2015
A War Within Ourselves
Thoughts have been spinning and my mind has been frantic, gasping for the breath of making sense of it all. These thoughts, they continue in a vicious circle and cycle. Worrying about life and expectations, then worrying because I am worrying, then worrying because I am worrying about worrying.
They say your 20s is a stressful time, a most vulnerable stage and age. There are these expectations and apparently we're supposed to meet them. That's what we're striving for. Make decisions. What if I can't make the right decision? What if, there is no WRONG or right choice? Either way, a choice will lead us somewhere or another. Why then, am I frantically worrying about the right or wrong choice? is it expectation? is it fear? fear of not meeting expectation? in the end: we all live on. There is no final destination. No final step we're all supposed mount on. It's all along the Journey. That is essentially life... this journey, and it's now.
And there seems no point to these expectations others have put on us, and which we've then put on ourselves. We're all trapped in this vicious cycle. Our minds have have reflected themselves onto life itself.
And I guess once you hit rock bottom, you can only tread on an incline from there.
Lyrics keep repeating themselves within the mind, trying to sort them and make sense of them. Trying to relate. Cuz god forbid, we hope we can relate to someone and hope someone knows this excruciating pain or extreme highs we've been feeling.. the feeling to be human. Why the hell are humans pretending they don't feel this feeling to BE human? that frustration of loving someone and it going to waste? not being in control of everything or anyone, including ourselves. We're building facades to be something we're not, ultimately to protect ourselves which isn't actually protecting.
I don't believe in destiny, however I try to believe in something bigger to remain sane and to keep me moving and trekking. I put my trust in hope. Hope that things will get better and suffering is often only temporary but essential to mending and reviving the human spirit.
They say your 20s is a stressful time, a most vulnerable stage and age. There are these expectations and apparently we're supposed to meet them. That's what we're striving for. Make decisions. What if I can't make the right decision? What if, there is no WRONG or right choice? Either way, a choice will lead us somewhere or another. Why then, am I frantically worrying about the right or wrong choice? is it expectation? is it fear? fear of not meeting expectation? in the end: we all live on. There is no final destination. No final step we're all supposed mount on. It's all along the Journey. That is essentially life... this journey, and it's now.
And there seems no point to these expectations others have put on us, and which we've then put on ourselves. We're all trapped in this vicious cycle. Our minds have have reflected themselves onto life itself.
And I guess once you hit rock bottom, you can only tread on an incline from there.
Lyrics keep repeating themselves within the mind, trying to sort them and make sense of them. Trying to relate. Cuz god forbid, we hope we can relate to someone and hope someone knows this excruciating pain or extreme highs we've been feeling.. the feeling to be human. Why the hell are humans pretending they don't feel this feeling to BE human? that frustration of loving someone and it going to waste? not being in control of everything or anyone, including ourselves. We're building facades to be something we're not, ultimately to protect ourselves which isn't actually protecting.
I don't believe in destiny, however I try to believe in something bigger to remain sane and to keep me moving and trekking. I put my trust in hope. Hope that things will get better and suffering is often only temporary but essential to mending and reviving the human spirit.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn
Oh the euphoria I gain as I write the sweet numbers of two, zero, one and five. The four numbers I will write/see and live the next 362 days of the year. As the earth has yet again made its journey around the sun and hit the point where the gregorian calendar began, it starts its cycle once again. The same path its been taking for 4.54 billion years. Our celebrations will continue to be held on the same mark for many more years to come.
Being the stubborn person I am, I don't quite believe in making lofty New Years Resolutions which quickly fade, leave people standing in the same weight, same relationships, and still in disappointment. That is until the next year... when they can repeat it all over again.
I do, however, like the feeling a new year brings. The feeling of rebirth, renewal, recreation and being able to see that 2015 remains unwritten and we are the ones who help fill the blank pages. The feeling that we can shake out the past year.
Each day should and can be treated as such though. Never again will there be a January 3rd, 2015, for today we're younger than we're ever going to be. Shake out the previous day and restart each day as it is a new one. Each day we live is bound to be written, but we have control over what is actually placed in ink.

In the sweet words of Florence and the Machine:
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
Monday, December 22, 2014
est-ce que tu ris?
Sometimes I imagine the god I used to believe in, either sitting on a golden throne or standing on a marble pedestal, watching below as his human creations roam the sphere of which he also created. Only I don't just imagine him watching, but laughing, even chuckling as his eyes meet his creatures humorously.
Laughing as the hearts continue to ache in the morning, afternoon and evening after a long night of weeping. Chuckling as it continues on for weeks, even months.
Laughing as fights between friends take place,
as our lovers go wrong.
as our best friend is murdered.
as our loved ones fall to cancer, disease...
as the mothers and the fathers neglect their children, they once thought they loved.
Laughing as the woman starves herself to gain a perfect image, and gain attention she's so desperately wanted
as the woman's shirt gets lower, the pant legs higher, the hips smaller and the breasts larger to please and obtain the men.
Laughing as our minds and bodies go numb, no longer able to gain pleasure from our passions we only thought we once had.
Laughing as children are put into labor, making roughly $1.25 a day so those of the western world can enjoy their brand-name shoes.
Laughing as the child doesn't wish to go to school, because he is bullied for being who he is and what he was born with.
as the teachers subtly tell their student they're not fitting to mainstream gender stereotypes.
I envision him enjoying the sight as they seek more pills and liquor to numb the pain he only allowed in the first place.
Finding pleasure as humans fall to their knees and thank him for his grace.
as they write songs and sing glory to his name
and when good happens to them? is it disappointment? is it gladness?
as our lovers go wrong.
as our best friend is murdered.
as our loved ones fall to cancer, disease...
as the mothers and the fathers neglect their children, they once thought they loved.
Laughing as the woman starves herself to gain a perfect image, and gain attention she's so desperately wanted
as the woman's shirt gets lower, the pant legs higher, the hips smaller and the breasts larger to please and obtain the men.
Laughing as our minds and bodies go numb, no longer able to gain pleasure from our passions we only thought we once had.
Laughing as children are put into labor, making roughly $1.25 a day so those of the western world can enjoy their brand-name shoes.
Laughing as the child doesn't wish to go to school, because he is bullied for being who he is and what he was born with.
as the teachers subtly tell their student they're not fitting to mainstream gender stereotypes.
I envision him enjoying the sight as they seek more pills and liquor to numb the pain he only allowed in the first place.
Finding pleasure as humans fall to their knees and thank him for his grace.
as they write songs and sing glory to his name
and when good happens to them? is it disappointment? is it gladness?
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Thoughts on Introversion
As of late rushes of thoughts have been overwhelming my mind and my fingers have only yearned to set them out... on paper and even on the inter webs, as is the case in this instance. I fear I have too many and I won't actually be able to properly sort them out.
As a kid, the media constantly pounded through my ears, searching for my mind that it might set that I should be myself. I heard that all over; in my sunday school class by my church leaders, by my father, by the my favorite pop hits, books, movies. I thought I understood the concept but wasn't quite following it, and I became evermore disappointed in myself.
See, in my American mind, it was engrained that being myself meant going out, acting crazy, talking to everybody, hanging out on the weekend... actually having friends. I'd go out and attempt to do that, but I would, in many cases: fail miserably. Growing up, I wasn't known by my volleyball skills, my love for nature, culture and good music, I was known as the "shy girl." For some odd reason, it always had to be brought up. My mind retraces the painful memories as I was asked in almost every social setting: "Why are you so quiet McKenna?" "C'mon McKenna, be a little bit more outgoing." In many cases, I would agree with negative comments, agreed that in order to be successful and to be placed on the top of the social hierarchy, I had to defeat this what-seemed-to-be an innate trait.
In reality, I preferred listening over talking, quitting the small talk and cutting to more sincere conversations, I loved making expressions on my face instead of forcing out comments, I preferred smaller groups to larger groups and I loved spending time by myself, but western society made me feel as though those were just symptoms of a disease called: "introversion." For some god-awful reason, introversion is weakness.. people assumed I didn't like humans, when indeed I loved humans, I just showed it in less known ways.
It hasn't been until the last couple of years I have began to discover my true personality, opinions, likes and dislikes and how extremely important it is to stay true to those traits. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and knowing my limits.
I have an extremely sensitive personality, meaning sounds, energy, smells, and emotions affect me easily. I'm the one who must sway to music either live or just playing in the local grocery store because I feel it so strongly. I can cry to any movie, music, book or billboard. I am extremely good at laughing when something catches my humor. I can feel the anger through my veins as I find something unjust or when people act irrationally. My emotions are easily stirred by a raindrop, or a sun setting behind a mountain. I find it easy to sympathize with people and understand their personalities. This holds true to group settings, I am highly affected by a lot of energy. While, I love socializing and getting to know people, I can only handle so much of it. After a large party, I have to go home and sit with myself. And often in such a setting, the large amount of people reach the tip of my sensitivity, causing me to be more reclusive.
Finding the strengths of my personality has been relieving. Knowing I don't have to be ashamed for what I was born with. Knowing that it feels so damn good to own my personality. Of course there are things I want to work on about me and parts of introversion that can often hold me back, it's nice to say.. You know what?? I don't feel ashamed for wanting to leave or decline an invitation to a big group setting to read a book or gaze at the stars with just myself and me alone.
Own YOURSELF and your quirks, whether you are extroverted, introverted, gay, straight, mormon, atheist. BE PROUD. There will always be flaws in all of us, but it is for us to decide if they are actually flaws. It's the beauty of being human and being different. Think of how mundane and dysfunctional the world would be if we were all extroverted? or vice versa? We wouldn't have learned the great teachings of Mahatma Gandi (introverted) or be affected by the great power and rhetoric of Martin Luther King Jr. (extroverted) it's all intertwined nicely, until cultures begin preferring one of the personality traits over another.
Thank you.
In reality, I preferred listening over talking, quitting the small talk and cutting to more sincere conversations, I loved making expressions on my face instead of forcing out comments, I preferred smaller groups to larger groups and I loved spending time by myself, but western society made me feel as though those were just symptoms of a disease called: "introversion." For some god-awful reason, introversion is weakness.. people assumed I didn't like humans, when indeed I loved humans, I just showed it in less known ways.
It hasn't been until the last couple of years I have began to discover my true personality, opinions, likes and dislikes and how extremely important it is to stay true to those traits. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and knowing my limits.
I have an extremely sensitive personality, meaning sounds, energy, smells, and emotions affect me easily. I'm the one who must sway to music either live or just playing in the local grocery store because I feel it so strongly. I can cry to any movie, music, book or billboard. I am extremely good at laughing when something catches my humor. I can feel the anger through my veins as I find something unjust or when people act irrationally. My emotions are easily stirred by a raindrop, or a sun setting behind a mountain. I find it easy to sympathize with people and understand their personalities. This holds true to group settings, I am highly affected by a lot of energy. While, I love socializing and getting to know people, I can only handle so much of it. After a large party, I have to go home and sit with myself. And often in such a setting, the large amount of people reach the tip of my sensitivity, causing me to be more reclusive.
Finding the strengths of my personality has been relieving. Knowing I don't have to be ashamed for what I was born with. Knowing that it feels so damn good to own my personality. Of course there are things I want to work on about me and parts of introversion that can often hold me back, it's nice to say.. You know what?? I don't feel ashamed for wanting to leave or decline an invitation to a big group setting to read a book or gaze at the stars with just myself and me alone.
Own YOURSELF and your quirks, whether you are extroverted, introverted, gay, straight, mormon, atheist. BE PROUD. There will always be flaws in all of us, but it is for us to decide if they are actually flaws. It's the beauty of being human and being different. Think of how mundane and dysfunctional the world would be if we were all extroverted? or vice versa? We wouldn't have learned the great teachings of Mahatma Gandi (introverted) or be affected by the great power and rhetoric of Martin Luther King Jr. (extroverted) it's all intertwined nicely, until cultures begin preferring one of the personality traits over another.
Thank you.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
In Honor of Earth Day
About a couple weeks ago, a rather frustrating day came my way, as event upon event had me in tears by the evening. The social world seemed to remind me that I am, indeed, an outsider within the place I have always called home.
Luckily, Southern Utah Wilderness Alliance came to be my savior and freed me from such terrible thoughts and reminded me what really is important to me. Chris Noble, a highly acclaimed photographer, presented some of his works and also words at the Chris mill at the Tracy Aviary as part of the motive to save southern Utah (you can check out www.suwa.org). His pictures he shared were those of southern Utah along with pictures of the rest of the earth. I found his photographs beyond explanation and they seemed to ignite something within me and touch the bottom of my soul. I sat in awe and even began tearing up like believer during a sermon.
I do not claim belief in one all-knowing god who is, seemingly, very patriarchal, nor do I do so for revelation and prayer, but I can be a witness of the sensation I get when in nature and free from the noose of society and its constant strains.
The thrill as my feet swiftly glide, one after another on my favorite running trails.
The tranquility as I transcend a trail among the red rocks, green alpine or lush jungle.
The lift of my spirit as I sit in solitude observing the grace and beauty of the earth.
The peace as I lie under the stars and moon, contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
The rush as the rapids move me along the river.
The connection as my hands make contact with the earths' rocks and I climb upwards.
The stillness I feel as I see the sun slowly set spreading an illuminating orange across the earth.
and the list goes on and on.
This came as relief to be reminded that even if I lack the feeling of acceptance by my own culture, nature always offers its open palm and endless adventure. For in nature, judgement never survives.
Utahns, you live on one of the most spectacular pieces of land. Take advantage of it. Because I am this summer.... WHooooo Summer 14. Join along, if you'd like. ;)
“I faced in myself a passionate and tenacious longing--to put away thought forever, and all the trouble it brings, all but the nearest desire, direct and searching. To take the trail and not look back..Let the rest of mankind find me if it could.” - John Haines
Saturday, April 5, 2014
James Franco
Idolizing those who appear on every American's LCD screens, the magazines displayed in every American grocery store, the billboards and sides of internet browsers is not a thing I like to admit to. In fact, in recent times, I've looked down on those tweens/teens/those-in-their-twenties who shamelessly fall to sleep under posters of One Direction and Justin Bieber every night. I guess I fall as a product of my American culture and a hypocrite because I am so infatuated with this man.
This man: James Franco.
I swear the gods came together to fix up the perfect DNA when creating Franco. A living god, he is. It is my belief this man could make me a hypocrite to any of my current beliefs. I'd pray to him, follow his commandments, follow him to the promised land, ask him to forgive me of all my sins.. Practically anything that would get me closer to him and allow me to live with him someday.
Okay, okay, my infatuation is not quite so extreme but I would admit to him being my celebrity man crush any day.
This man: James Franco.
I swear the gods came together to fix up the perfect DNA when creating Franco. A living god, he is. It is my belief this man could make me a hypocrite to any of my current beliefs. I'd pray to him, follow his commandments, follow him to the promised land, ask him to forgive me of all my sins.. Practically anything that would get me closer to him and allow me to live with him someday.
Okay, okay, my infatuation is not quite so extreme but I would admit to him being my celebrity man crush any day.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Connection
I know I wrote about Florence from Florence + the Machine a while back as I do have one big fat lady crush on that woman. I heard something from her a few days ago and she seemed to put all my feelings into words:"That's the great thing about music: if you're
feeling down or alone a song can come on, and it will actually speak to
you, and all of a sudden you'll feel like someone else somewhere went
through the same thing. It's like that with books, and art. It's just a
way of getting in contact, connecting with people."
This is why I so desperately love books which apply to me. Why I listen to sad music when I'm feeling sad, why I turn on a romance when I feel lonely. It's all about connection. Human connection. Knowing that we all somehow relate on the same levels. It's beautiful.
I'll admit, Adele has gotten me through much pain the past few days. Thoreau has enlightened me while Matt & Kim continually drive me to experience something new each day. I feel a connection with all these many artists and I thank them for sharing. Hell, I thank many of my high school acquaintances for sharing their writings, photos and music over the internet. Having graduated in 2013 only brings a greater connection.
Thank you for your words.
This is why I so desperately love books which apply to me. Why I listen to sad music when I'm feeling sad, why I turn on a romance when I feel lonely. It's all about connection. Human connection. Knowing that we all somehow relate on the same levels. It's beautiful.
I'll admit, Adele has gotten me through much pain the past few days. Thoreau has enlightened me while Matt & Kim continually drive me to experience something new each day. I feel a connection with all these many artists and I thank them for sharing. Hell, I thank many of my high school acquaintances for sharing their writings, photos and music over the internet. Having graduated in 2013 only brings a greater connection.
Thank you for your words.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Heart is Where the Home is
Often in the English language, we correspond our cardiovascular system with our emotions. "He broke my heart," "My heart is filled with joy," "My heart jumped," and it is physiologically so that humans have an increase in heart rate when feeling strong emotions such as the common fear, love, happiness... So it all makes sense.
Until my last day in Phichit Thailand, my heart never experienced such a pain. It literally began to hurt. I had never experienced a goodbye so hard as that one. My heart ached and pounded as I wrapped my arms around each of my students for the last time, as my eyes made their last glimpses of the school, town and what became familiar smiling faces, as the place slowly faded away with the night as we journeyed off to such a distant land: the United States.
"My kids," as I like to refer them as.. by the end of the semester it became clear to me that I could easily call them my best friends. Although they had the shortest attention spans and were sometimes impossible to control, I LOVED THEM. Hell, I still love them. As my life is still young, this was the first time I experienced such a love for six and seven year olds and actually felt that love in return. The first few days after arriving back in the states, tears slipped out of my eyes when thoughts of my kids came to mind and all I wanted was to go back to Thailand and continue improving their English. Luckily (I think), I've semi-moved on, though, I still am not able to remain completely emotionally neutral when I see photos of them as I grew to love each child for his and her own perks and personalities.
When I say "my kids," I actually mean these kiddos. I co-taught these students with Emi Bean three hours a day for four months. They were the K3 class and were the ages 6-7 including the genius 5 year old: Pordee. They had been in the ILP English program for a couple years so their English was already pretty proficient. I could talk to them about just anything an average 6 year old would be able to converse about. Yes, I take much pride in their English abilities. With this group I was teaching them: "basic reading," they had already learned the alphabet before I came, but I was there to help them put it in to use and teach them how to write simple words. After our reading lessons we would do a fun interactive activity in which I would try to get each student to talk as much as possible, I would also have a goal for the day, whether it be different verb conjugations I wanted them to perfect or pronouns or even modifying nouns and somehow associated the lesson with my goals. It was hard work, but it eventually paid off, especially having the sweetest/funniest students in the world.
As I mentioned earlier, each child had his or her own personality and tendencies. I'll give you a small description of all 12 of them.
AISHI: Aishi loved superheroes (hence the superman shirt.) His favorite superhero was spiderman and in one of our books we made, he named his character Spider-Aishi he also spent many days earning for the captain America shield I made specifically for him. His English was also superb, as his dad lived in the USA for a little while. He understood terms I thought the kids had no idea about such as: It's raining cats and dogs,etc. I remember distinctly one day going over the letter K. I asked the kids what all started with the letter K, Aishi shouted out: "Kick ass, teacher. Kick ass starts with K!" I asked him where he learned that and he just replied "it means very good, right teacher?" I said that was right as it was.
AOMSIN: Aomsin had the greatest ability to make anyone laugh, while at the same time maintained really good behavior and fair to everyone. I remember one day bringing a ball to class that squeaked and I let every student give it a squeeze. When it got to be Aomsin's turn he quickly slipped the ball behind is back and mimicked the squeaking sounds with his mouth. It was the most clever/funny thing.
When the other students jokingly claimed that they didn't like me, Aomsin reassured me that he did while still maintaining his position as the "cool kid." This kid had the sweetest heart and it was confirmed the final day Emi and I taught them. While I was choking up and ever-so distraught, Emi was holding back tears really well until she gave Aomsin a hug and he began to cry... This suddenly triggered tears all over the room.
AUTO: Auto was one of the most intelligent kids while still remaining humble and adorable at the same time. His face would completely light up and would yell "teacher McKenna!" every time he saw me outside the classroom. He picked up words and reading really fast and I never heard him speak a thai word once. He was known to have bursts of energy all throughout the day. Every day we would have bathroom break and on the way to the bathroom there was a room which had two doors on the ends of it. Auto would take advantage of those doors and run through one door and out the other to get to the bathroom and on the way back, he'd roll across the wall. Auto was known for his waddle, saying "oh my gosh!" and being the best big brother to Tipco. LEO: Leo loved 4 objects: trucks, ships, submarines and helicopters. After finished with each worksheet, he would make sure to add one of these to his paper with the most detail a seven year old could draw. He loved giving hugs, giving things to others and sitting next to the teacher.
LIN: Lin was the top of her class alongside little Pordee. She loved english and learning. She was always on her best behavior and would even roll her eyes when the other students misbehaved. Lin's reading and pronunciation was phenomenal and I am sure she was aware of that as we gave her much praise. She loved playing London Bridges. singing "Where the Green Grass Grows all Around," and writing "I love teacher Emi and teacher McKenna" on all of her papers.
MAENI: Maeni reminded me most of myself when I was seven years of age. Maeni loved to joke around and when she smiled, her entire face would light up. Our first rule in class was "No Thai, English only." Maeni quickly figured out all the words I knew in Thai and would try her hardest to get me to say those words, and when she accomplished that she'd thrust her finger into the air, point it at me and yell, "Teacher! No Thai! English only! go to the Thai chair!" She attended the school with her sister Sydney and it wasn't until the end of our four months there that we discovered her mother's beauty shop in town. We loved visiting them and having the best conversations. We were also invited to her father's opening of his hotel and the sisters served us as often as they could.
MEEPHOO: Meephoo loved to laugh and sometimes one could not understand him as he'd start laughing before he could finish his sentences. He was very silly and often he used his silliness to an advantage. If he didn't know the answer to something, he'd crack a joke and start laughing to cover him not knowing. He was a great big brother to Moophee. He also gave me the nickname of Teacher Banana. The kids found it so funny that they held that nickname to me for the next four months.
(Aishi is on the left while Meephoo is on the right.)
MEME: Meme had quite the personality. She loved touching things and was always curious to waht we were going to do. By the end, her English improved tremendously. Meme also loved to joke around. ONe day after school, Emi was showing Meme and Maeni disney video clips which included beauty and the beast. Emi pointed to Belle, stating that it was "Teacher McKenna," Meme quickly pointed to the Beast and said "No. That's Teacher McKenna!"
PAN: Pan was an angel. She loved giving and being kind to everyone. She was always giving thins to the teachers. She was very smart and she knew it.... often she would hint to kids the answers when they were on the spot and were unable to come up with the answer quick enough. She loved drawing hearts over everything.
POST: Post was a very good student. He loved coloring and when asking for colors he would always roll his R when saying " I want rrrrrred teacher, no I want grrrrreeen." He was silly and loved making faces especially his adorable little smile.
TUNWA: Tunwa was the sweetest boy while being hilarious and so silly. Tunwa loved to make faces, especially a lion face. We had a joke that he was a tiny turtle in class. Once while compiling all of my students papers together, I ran into his paper with a big "I love McKenna" on the lefthand corner. Many of my kids had done that before, but this one especially hit home. Mind it was the end of the semester and I was getting pretty emotional anyhow.
As I have already written a novel, I figure I'll just put photos up now...
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