Thoughts on Introversion

As of late rushes of thoughts have been overwhelming my mind and my fingers have only yearned to set them out... on paper and even on the inter webs, as is the case in this instance. I fear I have too many and I won't actually be able to properly sort them out.

As a kid, the media constantly pounded through my ears, searching for my mind that it might set that I should be myself. I heard that all over;  in my sunday school class by my church leaders, by my father, by the my favorite pop hits, books, movies. I thought I understood the concept but wasn't quite following it, and I became evermore disappointed in myself. 

See, in my American mind, it was engrained that being myself meant going out, acting crazy, talking to everybody, hanging out on the weekend... actually having friends. I'd go out and attempt to do that, but I would, in many cases: fail miserably. Growing up, I wasn't known by my volleyball skills, my love for nature, culture and good music, I was known as the "shy girl." For some odd reason, it always had to be brought up. My mind retraces the painful memories as I was asked in almost every social setting: "Why are you so quiet McKenna?" "C'mon McKenna, be a little bit more outgoing." In many cases, I would agree with negative comments, agreed that in order to be successful and to be placed on the top of the social hierarchy, I had to defeat this what-seemed-to-be an innate trait.

In reality, I preferred listening over talking, quitting the small talk and cutting to more sincere conversations, I loved making expressions on my face instead of forcing out comments, I preferred smaller groups to larger groups and I loved spending time by myself, but western society made me feel as though those were just symptoms of a disease called: "introversion." For some god-awful reason, introversion is weakness.. people assumed I didn't like humans, when indeed I loved humans, I just showed it in less known ways.

It hasn't been until the last couple of years I have began to discover my true personality, opinions, likes and dislikes and how extremely important it is to stay true to those traits. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin and knowing my limits.

I have an extremely sensitive personality, meaning sounds, energy, smells, and emotions affect me easily. I'm the one who must sway to music either live or just playing in the local grocery store because I feel it so strongly. I can cry to any movie, music, book or billboard. I am extremely good at laughing when something catches my humor.  I can feel the anger through my veins as I find something unjust or when people act irrationally. My emotions are easily stirred by a raindrop, or a sun setting behind a mountain. I find it easy to sympathize with people and understand their personalities.  This holds true to group settings, I am highly affected by a lot of energy. While, I  love socializing and getting to know people, I can only handle so much of it. After a large party, I have to go home and sit with myself. And often in such a setting, the large amount of people reach the tip of my sensitivity, causing me to be more reclusive.

Finding the strengths of my personality has been relieving. Knowing I don't have to be ashamed for what I was born with. Knowing that it feels so damn good to own my personality. Of course there are things I want to work on about me and parts of introversion that can often hold me back, it's nice to say.. You know what?? I don't feel ashamed for wanting to leave or decline an invitation to a big group setting to read a book or gaze at the stars with just myself and me alone.

Own YOURSELF and your quirks, whether you are extroverted, introverted, gay, straight, mormon, atheist. BE PROUD. There will always be flaws in all of us, but it is for us to decide if they are actually flaws. It's the beauty of being human and being different. Think of how mundane and dysfunctional the world would be if we were all extroverted? or vice versa? We wouldn't have learned the great teachings of Mahatma Gandi (introverted) or be affected by the great power and rhetoric of Martin Luther King Jr. (extroverted) it's all intertwined nicely, until cultures begin preferring one of the personality traits over another.



Thank you.

In Honor of Earth Day

About a couple weeks ago, a rather frustrating day came my way, as event upon event had me in tears by the evening. The social world seemed to remind me that I am, indeed, an outsider within the place I have always called home.

 Luckily, Southern Utah Wilderness Alliance came to be my savior and freed me from such terrible thoughts and reminded me what really is important to me. Chris Noble, a highly acclaimed photographer, presented some of his works and also words at the Chris mill at the Tracy Aviary as part of the motive to save southern Utah (you can check out www.suwa.org). His pictures he shared were those of southern Utah along with pictures of the rest of the earth. I found his photographs beyond explanation and they seemed to ignite something within me and touch the bottom of my soul. I sat in awe and even began tearing up like believer during a sermon.

I do not claim belief in one all-knowing god who is, seemingly, very patriarchal, nor do I do so for revelation and prayer, but I can be a witness of the sensation I get when in nature and free from the noose of society and its constant strains.

The thrill as my feet swiftly glide, one after another on my favorite running trails.
The tranquility as I transcend a trail among the red rocks, green alpine or lush jungle.
The lift of my spirit as I sit in solitude observing the grace and beauty of the earth.
The peace as I lie under the stars and moon, contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
The rush as the rapids move me along the river.
The connection as my hands make contact with the earths' rocks and I climb upwards.
The stillness I feel as I see the sun slowly set spreading an illuminating orange across the earth.
and the list goes on and on.

This came as  relief to be reminded that even if I lack the feeling of acceptance by my own culture, nature always offers its open palm and endless adventure. For in nature, judgement never survives.

Utahns, you live on one of the most spectacular pieces of land. Take advantage of it. Because I am this summer.... WHooooo Summer 14. Join along, if you'd like. ;)

“I faced in myself a passionate and tenacious longing--to put away thought forever, and all the trouble it brings, all but the nearest desire, direct and searching. To take the trail and not look back..Let the rest of mankind find me if it could.” - John Haines

James Franco

Idolizing those who appear on every American's LCD screens, the magazines displayed in every American grocery store, the billboards and sides of internet browsers is not a thing I like to admit to. In fact, in recent times, I've looked down on those tweens/teens/those-in-their-twenties who shamelessly fall  to sleep under posters of One Direction and Justin Bieber every night. I guess I fall as a product of my American culture and a hypocrite because I am so infatuated with this man.

This man: James Franco.

I swear the gods came together to fix up the perfect DNA when creating Franco. A living god, he is. It is my belief this man could make me a hypocrite to any of my current beliefs. I'd pray to him, follow his commandments, follow him to the promised land, ask him to forgive me of all my sins.. Practically anything that would get me closer to him and allow me to live with him someday.



Okay, okay, my infatuation is not quite so extreme but I would admit to him being my celebrity man crush any day.

Connection

I know I wrote about Florence from Florence + the Machine a while back as I do have one big fat lady crush on that woman. I heard something from her a few days ago and she seemed to put all my feelings into words:"That's the great thing about music: if you're feeling down or alone a song can come on, and it will actually speak to you, and all of a sudden you'll feel like someone else somewhere went through the same thing. It's like that with books, and art. It's just a way of getting in contact, connecting with people." 

This is why I so desperately love books which apply to me. Why I listen to sad music when I'm feeling sad, why I turn on a romance when I feel lonely. It's all about connection. Human connection. Knowing that we all somehow relate on the same levels. It's beautiful.

I'll admit, Adele has gotten me through much pain the past few days. Thoreau has enlightened me while Matt & Kim continually drive me to experience something new each day. I feel a connection with all these many artists and I thank them for sharing. Hell, I thank many of my high school acquaintances for sharing their writings, photos and music over the internet. Having graduated in 2013 only brings a greater connection. 
Thank you for your words.

Heart is Where the Home is

    "Home is where the heart is," or could it possibly be reversed and stated of the likes? "Heart is  where the home is." If this is the case, my heart has been torn into four pieces and placed in the same amount of places: Wassenaar, Netherlands; Provo, Utah; Forchheim, Germany and my most recent: Phichit, Thailand.
Often in the English language, we correspond our cardiovascular system with our emotions. "He broke my heart," "My heart is filled with joy," "My heart jumped," and it is physiologically so that humans have an increase in heart rate when feeling strong emotions such as the common fear, love, happiness... So it all makes sense.

 Until my last day in Phichit Thailand, my heart never experienced such a pain. It literally began to hurt. I had never experienced a goodbye so hard as that one. My heart ached and pounded as I wrapped my arms around each of my students for the last time, as my eyes made their last glimpses of the school, town and what became familiar smiling faces, as the place slowly faded away with the night as we journeyed off to such a distant land: the United States.

"My kids," as I like to refer them as.. by the end of the semester it became clear to me that I could easily call them my best friends. Although they had the shortest attention spans and were sometimes impossible to control, I LOVED THEM. Hell, I still love them. As my life is still young, this was the first time I experienced such a love for six and seven year olds and actually felt that love in return. The first few days after arriving back in the states, tears slipped out of my eyes when thoughts of my kids came to mind and all I wanted was to go back to Thailand and continue improving their English. Luckily (I think), I've semi-moved on, though, I still am not able to remain completely emotionally neutral when I see photos of them as I grew to love each child for his and her own perks and personalities.

When I say "my kids," I actually mean these kiddos. I co-taught these students with Emi Bean three hours a day for four months. They were the K3 class and were the ages 6-7 including the genius 5 year old: Pordee.  They had been in the ILP English program for a couple years so their English was already pretty proficient. I could talk to them about just anything an average 6 year old would be able to converse about. Yes, I take much pride in their English abilities. With this group I was teaching them: "basic reading," they had already learned the alphabet before I came, but I was there to help them put it in to use and teach them how to write simple words. After our reading lessons we would do a fun interactive activity in which I would try to get each student to talk as much as possible, I would also have a goal for the day, whether it be different verb conjugations I wanted them to perfect or pronouns or even modifying nouns and somehow associated the lesson with my goals. It was hard work, but it eventually paid off, especially having the sweetest/funniest students in the world.

As I mentioned earlier, each child had his or her own personality and tendencies. I'll give you a small description of all 12 of them.

AISHI: Aishi loved superheroes (hence the superman shirt.) His favorite superhero was spiderman and in one of our books we made, he named his character Spider-Aishi he also spent many days earning for the captain America shield I made specifically for him.  His English was also superb, as his dad lived in the USA for a little while. He understood terms I thought the kids had no idea about such as: It's raining cats and dogs,etc. I remember distinctly one day going over the letter K. I asked the kids what all started with the letter K, Aishi shouted out: "Kick ass, teacher. Kick ass starts with K!" I asked him where he learned that and he just replied "it means very good, right teacher?" I said that was right as it was.   

AOMSIN: Aomsin had the greatest ability to make anyone laugh, while at the same time maintained really good behavior and fair to everyone. I remember one day bringing a ball to class that squeaked and I let every student give it a squeeze. When it got to be Aomsin's turn he quickly slipped the ball behind is back and mimicked the squeaking sounds with his mouth. It was the most clever/funny thing. 

When the other students jokingly claimed that they didn't like me, Aomsin reassured me that he did while still maintaining his position as the "cool kid." This kid had the sweetest heart and it was confirmed the final day Emi and I taught them. While I was choking up and ever-so distraught, Emi was holding back tears really well until she gave Aomsin a hug and he began to cry... This suddenly triggered tears all over the room. 

AUTO: Auto was one of the most intelligent kids while still remaining  humble and adorable at the same time. His face would completely light up and would yell "teacher McKenna!" every time he saw me outside the classroom. He picked up words and reading really fast and I never heard him speak a thai word once. He was known to have bursts of energy all throughout the day. Every day we would have bathroom break and on the way to the bathroom there was a room which had two doors on the ends of it. Auto would take advantage of those doors and run through one door and out the other to get to the bathroom and on the way back, he'd roll across the wall. Auto was known for his waddle, saying "oh my gosh!" and being the best big brother to Tipco. 

LEO: Leo loved 4 objects: trucks, ships, submarines and helicopters. After finished with each worksheet, he would make sure to add one of these to his paper with the most detail a seven year old could draw. He loved giving hugs, giving things to others and sitting next to the teacher.

LIN: Lin was the top of her class alongside little Pordee. She loved english and learning. She was always on her best behavior and would even roll her eyes when the other students misbehaved. Lin's reading and pronunciation was phenomenal and I am sure she was aware of that as we gave her much praise. She loved playing London Bridges. singing "Where the Green Grass Grows all Around," and writing "I love teacher Emi and teacher McKenna" on all of her papers.

MAENI: Maeni reminded me most of myself when I was seven years of age. Maeni loved to joke around  and when she smiled, her entire face would light up. Our first rule in class was "No Thai, English only." Maeni quickly figured out all the words I knew in Thai and would try her hardest to get me to say those words, and when she accomplished that she'd thrust her finger into the air, point it at me and yell, "Teacher! No Thai! English only! go to the Thai chair!" She attended the school with her sister Sydney and it wasn't until the end of our four months there that we discovered her mother's beauty shop in town. We loved visiting them and having the best conversations. We were also invited to her father's opening of his hotel and the sisters served us as often as they could.

MEEPHOO: Meephoo loved to laugh and sometimes one could not understand him as he'd start laughing before he could finish his sentences. He was very silly and often he used his silliness to an advantage. If he didn't know the answer to something, he'd crack a joke and start laughing to cover him not knowing. He was a great big brother to Moophee. He also gave me the nickname of Teacher Banana. The kids found it so funny that they held that nickname to me for the next four months.

 (Aishi is on the left while Meephoo is on the right.)

MEME: Meme had quite the personality. She loved touching things and was always curious to waht we were going to do. By the end, her English improved tremendously. Meme also loved to joke around. ONe day after school, Emi was showing Meme and Maeni disney video clips which included beauty and the beast. Emi pointed to Belle, stating that it was "Teacher McKenna," Meme quickly pointed to the Beast and said "No. That's Teacher McKenna!"

PAN: Pan was an angel. She loved giving and being kind to everyone. She was always giving thins to the teachers. She was very smart and she knew it.... often she would hint to kids the answers when they were on the spot and were unable to come up with the answer quick enough. She loved drawing hearts over everything.

Pordee: Pordee was the youngest in the class (a year younger than his peers) but one of the brightest. His English was top-notch. He was often very silly but loved to learn. He would always answer questions and would define words for other students. But one thing about Pordee was that he hated taking pictures so the pictures we do have of him, he's not aware of. He would always play soccer after school with me and he was obsessed with the word TNT. He loved putting it everywhere and using it in any situation.

POST: Post was a very good student. He loved coloring and when asking for colors he would always roll his R when saying " I want rrrrrred teacher, no I want grrrrreeen." He was silly and loved making faces especially his adorable little smile. 

TUNWA: Tunwa was the sweetest boy while being hilarious and so silly. Tunwa loved to make faces, especially a lion face. We had a joke that he was a tiny turtle in class. Once while compiling all of my students papers together, I ran into his paper with a big "I love McKenna" on the lefthand corner. Many of my kids had done that before, but this one especially hit home. Mind it was the end of the semester and I was getting pretty emotional anyhow.

 As I have already written a novel, I figure I'll just put photos up now...

What Makes You Happy?

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152044283097226&l=1809222574014638407

Paradise

After Laos and Bangkok, we were paradise bound. Where we went was like stepping into one of those desktop screen savers I always saw on my father's personal computer.  Heaven on earth would be a bit of an understatement.... it was a vacation spot the gods chose to spend time at.
Not only was the view refreshing, but as was what I learned in that quaint little beach town: Ao Nang. Who knew my life wants would become clear on the beach in Thailand? That was of course with the help of my dear backpacking acquaintances who soon turned to be friends.
Advice to those youngsters out there- Hostels are fun! There are literally no social boundaries when it comes to making friends and what you do with them. Our first day there, a few of the girls, including myself, went off to the beach with a couple of chaps we had just encountered at the hostel. We were taken beyond where the tourists gathered, climbed many steps, steps which were infested by local monkeys

 to then approach a secluded beach which included underwater caves and a dock which we ran across
 to jump into the ever-warm emerald sea. We also found a hidden tire swing...

Due to lack of sleep, I retired to bed at about 8 o' clock that night, to then wake at 8 in the morning. Talk about being completely refreshed. The next day would include kayaking from beach to beach on top of that magnificent sea while taking a few breaks to jump into the sea. 

 I am not sure how the other days exactly went... as, my mind can't connect everything at the moment. Another day, included Kate and I escaping the other girls we had spent 24/7 with and were causing much anxiety whilst renting a scooter to explore what else this region had to offer. That was one of the greatest feelings I had felt in my life. Wind rushing through my air in a very tropical region in Thailand, while holding onto one of my best friends (Kate). Tropical mountains loomed over us as we finally agreed upon following a signs to a nearby (I guess if 40 km is nearby) waterfall... Eventually we hit a national park and took the trail to the waterfall and ran into our Dutch/Thai friend we met at the hostel.

Seeing as we didn't actually know we'd be hiking,  we were a bit underprepared. But nevertheless, I made it across the waterfall with the help of Iemka and I was finally able to mark hiking through the jungle off of my list. 

That was that. I awoke the next morning, not sure of exactly what I should do. That was until Lee (an adventurer by heart,) asked me to join him and his friend Conan to seek the emerald pool on the back of a scooter. I gladly accepted and the whole group joined along. It took much too long as the signs were much too misleading. But we nevertheless made it and enjoyed it with utmost satisfaction. 

Here are a few girls in the Emerald pool.











And just above the emerald pool there was a path filled with much mud that led to this sort of pool which had a sort of neon blue glowing effect.

Now, my mind is so confused with what days were which, so these days are a intertwined. Ehhh naja egal. So, as that is the case, ONE OF THESE DAYS all seven girls went on a snorkeling trip. It literally costed $10 for a 5 hour ordeal, bus ride, lunch, pineapple slices, water and 4 stops including 3 different islands/beaches and a stop just in the middle of the sea. Surprised as you may be, this was my first time going snorkeling. It was great fun, though the girls who had been snorkeling in Hawaii said that was better. Nevertheless, it was a great sunny day and the view was spectacular. I'll let the pcitures do the talking ;)

Emi jumping from the boat. 

As sunny days are nice, they also bring sunburns and tans. Here I am showing the world my native american roots. 

We ended the trip well on our last night in Ao Nang. We all went out as sisters to dance the night away at a local bar/club (no.. no alcoholic beverages were consumed). We enjoyed the night with many of the people we had gotten to know the past week.Our bodies swayed to the rhythm of the familiar sounds of american pop music, and nothing else mattered at that moment in time.

As all things must come to an end, this vacation followed that belief.  The sun slipped slowly beneath the tranquil waters, taking us back to the beloved town of Phichit, Thailand and leaving memories which will, hopefully, continue living on for years. 

Oh, yeah I also found a ronald McDonald waiing......