Departure: 12 Hours

I leave in 12 hours. This is unreal.

Anyhow, those who are interested in reading this blog, I really want to attempt to blog again. And to the readers warning- I have developed a mouth and hands (for typing sake) that use language that may seem vulgar to others. As some have already known. I also express a lot of my beliefs. Beliefs that may or may not be in sync with your own. I apologize if it offends you and if it does do so too much, then I advise you not to read it. I am sure you can make that decision on your own accord. Though, I will try to adjust some of my writings to my readers........

So... As I was saying, Thailand is tomorrow and I am sort of an emotionless being at the moment and can't fully wrap myself around the idea that I will be spending many days there. I am way excited to get to know many people, and especially my roommates!

I have a whole set of used books I got from the pioneer bookstore (great place, by the way. I definitely recommend it)! my sister and brother-in-law supplied me with many as well. I will also be bringing my ukulele. Seeing as I will be teaching no more than 20 hours a week, I figure I'll have plenty of time to explore, read, write, play ukulele and discover myself even more.

Goodbyes are hard, but hellos are the greatest :)

CIAO Utah, und los naaccchhh Thailand.

Packing and Shopping Malls

And while compiling all of the many clothes I want to take to Thailand I have only learned just how materialistic I am and how hard it is for me to part with certain clothing. I'm such a hypocrite to my own words. Also purchasing things for Thailand---- jeeez. Though, as I walked through the Orem mall today, I realized how harmful that place is for me. Whenever I enter a mall my mind begins to have irrational thoughts, such as: "I could be perceived by others so much better in that shirt, or shoes" "if only I looked like her..." "god, why don't i have more money" "when I have a load of money, it'll be spent on such things." This is shit-brained, I tell you. Such things go through my mind, followed by, "McKenna, get out of this place, you're better than that." So considering that I am having those following thoughts, it makes me believe my ego was the one speaking in the first place not my actual rational thoughts. Hmmmmmmmm. Which also makes me believe, it is the ego that is driving more than 50% of my waking life.

As stated in my about me info I am on the road to self discovery, so have patience.

and alas, for some odd reason blogger won't let me properly separate my paragraphs. Hmmmmmmmm

Stepping Stones

Almost a week ago, my iPad finally entered the opening arms of the concrete floor of my garage. Having spent $600 on the iPad from my own hard work 2 years previously, I was a bit distraught as the screen was entirely ruined as were many of the iPad functions. I soon looked into how much it would cost to get the screen replaced, to then realize that just getting the screen replaced would not give me the same iPad that I once had. I soon found out that apple will exchange my iPad for the same model for $250. Yes, I am still considering this offer... But, I thought about what the iPad would do for me. I use a sufficient laptop that provides me with much of the needs the iPad does. Of course I don't have my favorite apps on this laptop, but there is no need for a tablet. To wrap things up quicker- I am sick of materialism and consumerism. True- the reason I still do not have smartphone is because I don't want to pay for it and that still holds true today. I don't believe in paying some multi-million dollar business $$$ a month to be able to use snapchat, instagram, vine and god knows what else, because that's the appeal of smartphones to people my age. I will admit, having access to google, the new york times, der spiegel, music and a camera at all times can be nice but is it really necessary to have it anywhere?

 No matter what I do in this life, I will never fully be able to escape consumerism or the grasps of popular looks and ideas... but, I can try a little bit harder to allow myself to think for myself and not for gap, vicotria secret, ikea, bmw, starbucks, or even for the LDS church. if anyone really knows me (probably just myself) I have a strong hatred towards conforming. Hence why I took a year abroad, not necessarily why I left the LDS church but one of the factors in which i refused to be a part of the provo/lds culture, becasue i full-heartedly believe that one should create their own. Why I no longer praise celebrities and view them as if they were gods. Why I don't dress like the average girl around here. One of the reasons why i choose to leave the american high school mindset (leaving cross-country.) Why I don't believe one has to follow the get-out-of-highschool-go-to-college-get-a-degree-as-fast-as-you-can mindset.

 Yes, I still buy too much fast food. Yes, I still buy things at the mall that I don't necessarily need, but want. Yes, I use facebook too often. Yes, i've bought too many starbucks refreshers.... and similar wants will probably follow me until the day I die. I could care less if one purchases an item from any of these major brands, I just plead with you to ask yourself if you really need it. When you turn on your radio in the car, which not many people use anymore, turn it off when the ads come on. We need to realize that these materialistic things do not make one happier.

Departure in 2 Weeks.

It seems as though blogger concurred as one of those internet fads, which hit and then slowly fled. Though that does not matter. I depart for Thailand in two weeks, and I attempt to share some of my thoughts of the culture, land, and of course my own thoughts via this blog. I find blogger to be the easiest way to do so, though looking back at how i used it for Germany, it was more like journal entries in a hope to show my real feelings (which seemed to be a bit depressive?) I should've used it more wisely, for myself and of course for those who decided to read it.

 This summer has been the greatest of my life, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. I've figured a lot out and have met some pretty rad folks. Though my job is by no means the greatest, it's been an interesting experience.

 I'm not sure what my feelings are on going to Thailand are yet. I definitely won't be getting the culture experience I was able to get in Germany. If anything, I feel like the 6 girls who are going are in for the vacation/travel happy experience. Which I don't necessarily want it to be... but as I can only say a few phrases in Thai, it may be difficult to try and really capture the culture. For those who aren't aware I am teaching English to thai children (roughly ages 4-7) through an immersion program. I will be with 6 other americans (mostly from the Utah, Colorado area) and yes all are LDS (we'll see how that goes about....) We'll be there until before christmas and will be teaching no more than 20 hours a week. So, I am going to have quite a bit of free time. I'm still coming up with ideas in how i can improve myself in that free time. The cold feet syndrome is beginning to hit me. I sure hope to god that this 4 month volunteer journey is worth postponing my college education. Wir muessen einfach nur schauen, wie es wird.

Been a While.

I want to start writing again. It's been much too long since my mind, pen and paper have connected and have really written something worth reading. Problem is: I only think about the same bland things everyday... all day. Perhaps those are the things to write about? In my mind, they are not worthy to be opened to public, let alone placed into my journal. I'll give it a go, just promise you'll bare with me. You don't really have a choice anyway if you are actually reading this blog. Instead of blogging, I've just been tweeting, working, watching too many movies, learning dutch and trying to improve my ukulele skills.

So I like to sing... even if I don't sing well at all. This song reminds me of the good ol' "Mountain West"