Zufrieden

The German word Zufrieden can literally be translated to mean at peace, but according to a German-English dictionary, it means content. Being content has always been my prioritized goal, unfortunately unlike goals such as losing weight where there are obvious steps to reach it( i.e exercise, diet), becoming content lies at the end of much more skewed lines and the paths are often only shaped to the individual. It's a journey, and though you might reach the destination once, you'll loose sight of that destination and seek to find it again, sometimes taking a much different route than the one before.

I've mentioned this before, but the last few months of 2015 were rough on me, in fact, I'd say a lot of the months before these ones now were rough on me. Engulfed by fear, anxiety, lack of self confidence, fear of not meeting social expectations but also fear that I would meet social expectations and live a life I never wanted. I battled with these feelings, especially Uni and the way our society know rules out an individual. Find your calling, find your passion and well, if you don't, do what ever other god damn person is doing. Also, fork out a bunch of money to your Uni so you can get so-called "trained" in your passion, or just whatever everyone else is up to.  I'd feel well for a moment or two, to then anxious. Never balanced out. A rollercoaster, so zusagen.

I sat with my mother one night after a breakup with a guy i had dated for about a year. Of course you you're irrational and not in the greatest of mindsets at that point, but I was retracing the past year and coming to realization that the last time I felt content for a good amount of time was when I was in Thailand. Soaking in the sun and reading a good book when I could and taking in every moment as it was.  Teaching kids, and supplying them with knowledge. It wasn't just about me anymore. So mellow and content and I only craved for that feeling back, I just lacked the tools and the map to get there.

Fastforward, being alone wasn't an option so I opted for another guy, perhaps for the wrong reasons. I ran to Europe for a few weeks, perhaps in hopes for an awakening. I had a helluva time. It was then I realized how precious connection and newness is for the soul. As you can probably connect the dots, that relationship with the new guy fell through after a few months. I suppose I wanted him so I could adapt his free spirit, his love for the world and maybe reach some new awakening. Little did I know, someone can't change you, it takes your own initiative to actually change.

Sept/October 2015- December 2015, I was stuck. Stuck in self pity, self loathing and not seeing any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I dropped all my classes that semester, just worked and slept to numb the pain.

January 2016, things began to drastically change as I started taking initiative and doing things I always wanted to and stopped letting fear tell me otherwise. I read an article in the NYE op ed, and I swear my life was turned upside down for the better. " To Be Happier, Start Thinking More About Your Death" by Arthur C. Brooks. As morbid as it may sound, it resonated with me and gave me a new perspective I never quite fully grasped until recently. Brooks talks about thai buddhist monks who when meditating think about corpses and is key to better living as he explains "it makes one think, am i making the right use of my scarce and precious life?" and it hit me. I was thinking more and being puppeteered by fear than I was actually living. For 6 months, i've never felt so content and not to mention, confident. I've been single and I've never felt happier being single. Proving to myself that my happiness can come from me and not lie dependent on someone else. Things don't stress me out anymore, fear doesn't have much relevance. My mind and my soul are healthy. That's not to say everything is fine and dandy.... but hell.

I feel content. That's all ever asked for and all I ever will <3

And tomorrow the next 2 week journey on the Utah desert trail commences and I couldn't be more excited to be with these girls who've been through so much at their young age, and are teaching me so much about life and are allowing me to teach them in return.

Happy Trails and all my love,

McKenna Marie xx

ganz ehrlich gesagt...

I realize my writings come off across as a bit emotional, and when I say emotional, more towards the depressed/angry/bitter side. 

I'm incredibly content right now. In fact this is the most i've felt content since living in Thailand. I feel a rush of confidence almost daily and feel ever-so grateful to be alive. There are dips into sadness though, and anger, and melancholia, and frustration, and you get the point... These are the times when we turn to art, I think. These are the times when we have to connect to something beyond ourselves and express our humanity. We raffle with these feelings... The perfectly normal feelings of being a human being. 

I guess this is just my attempt at looking at my feelings and creating something from it. 

"How wild it was, to let it be"

"How wild it was, to let it be."

The days have been better. Much better. Anxiety doesn't have much relevance anymore. I feel okay. That's all I ever wished for.

I kissed him for the final time, stepped back and wished him better days. People disappoint, but only because we put expectations on them at the very beginning.

                          And at the end of the day, I wish you well. That's all I'll ever wish you.

    I love you.

Weltbürgerin

My head fell to the pillow of my bed in Salt Lake City- Thoughts running through my head, and tears began to stir. Hard to come to terms with the fact that I was across the atlantic in Amsterdam earlier that morning.

 Sad to leave something so precious behind.

Sleep was distances away as jet lag was still affecting me, and only my memories of the past three weeks replayed to keep my restless company.

It was one helluva time and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything else.

Europe was exactly that. I wouldn't say it was better than my home. Mind, I consider Germany as  my "zweites Zuhause"... and I consider aspects of the places I visited better than my own home, and him...  I always feel at home when with him or talking to him.

Looking back, I'm surprised I hopped up and left, just being the anxious person I am. Running away from the realities of my current life in Utah, as I sometimes think I do. But to be fair, I also find it highly important to travel. In the wise words of someone anonymous I found in the national geographic:

"I don't travel to escape life, I travel so life might not escape me." 

Whether it's seeing the one you highly adore in England, soaking in the mediterranean sun and enjoying every sunset right along his side in Malta, rekindling old times with who you consider your family in Pinzberg, Deutschland on a summer Spaziergang auf the grandiose Walberla, drinking a 1 liter Bier while dancing on a table to Deutsche Musik at the Erlangen Bergkirchweih, or finally sharing a stroopwaffel and beautiful conversations on the side of a canal in Amsterdam with a pen pal you've had for years.... You start to remember what's important to you in life and the anxieties of your daily life don't have prevalence anymore.

We've been in contact every day, ever since. Hours on FaceTime somedays.

I told him this after I had left, that at the end of the day and literally nearing the end of my life, material things wouldn't matter anymore, what would hold dear to my heart were the positive memories I created and I was grateful to create them with him... also that I was looking forward to making more. That's one thing no one, except for maybe dementia or some other mentally eating disease can take from another.

I want to continue making positive memories and some of the best memories are those you share.

All my love,

McKenna Marie xx

Le Voyage

This semester.

It's been a hell of a journey. I don't think i've ever felt such a contrasting and vast amount of emotions in just a few months time span.

 "Welcome to your 20s" my english professor laughed as I told her this. One hell of a lady. If it's one thing i'm grateful for these past months; I'm glad I took her class. Not so keen on knowing that I'm just touching the starting point of my 20s... but ya know....

I've turned somewhat bitter against the american school system, mostly my high school education and now my college education. Mind, this semester I felt like I sucked out my soul only taking general education class which I wasn't entirely interested in. Spending so much time, effort, money and not to mention: stress towards subjects which I don't really care for and which don't seem to help me improve as an individual or, as a contributor to current society... Doing things that I don't like doing in order to live on to do things that I don't like doing, so to say. Becoming trapped and controlled within societal expectations.

Call it bitterness or just able to reflect on the reality of the cruelty of life and humans within life.

I've always considered myself to be a fairly open person, and easily able to put my trust in others. It's shifted though.. I feel as if I can't trust people anymore or at least as easily. I've felt deceived, mistreated, and used. When it comes down to it, many only pursue relationships out of self-interest. If you don't meet those interests, you're most-likely no longer wanted. And this is what I say to those $#&*@#$##$#   $%@#%%$$:

                                               


 I've been thinking a lot about this quote I read my senior year of high school, which I've kept in ink within some moleskin since, and it's this:

"I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Mostly I feel well and content, but certain circumstances and people have reached my tipping point. I'm ready to cut out destructive realtionships and pursue healthier surroundings. Couldn't be more ready and ecstatic  for my 3 week venture to Europe on my own.. only to rekindle beautiful relationships with all humans, architecture, food, nature, plus some!

Not that the old world is necessarily better than my home, but it's different. And sometimes... Sometimes that's all we need: difference to make a difference ;)

Let's go, Let's go.

A War Within Ourselves

Thoughts have been spinning and my mind has been frantic, gasping for the breath of making sense of it all. These thoughts, they continue in a vicious circle and cycle. Worrying about life and expectations, then worrying because I am worrying, then worrying because I am worrying about worrying.

They say your 20s is a stressful time, a most vulnerable stage and age. There are these expectations and apparently we're supposed to meet them. That's what we're striving for. Make decisions. What if I can't make the right decision? What if, there is no WRONG or right choice? Either way, a choice will lead us somewhere or another. Why then, am I frantically worrying about the right or wrong choice? is it expectation? is it fear? fear of not meeting expectation? in the end: we all live on. There is no final destination. No final step we're all supposed mount on. It's all along the Journey. That  is essentially life... this journey, and it's now.

And there seems no point to these expectations others have put on us, and which we've then  put on ourselves. We're all trapped in this vicious cycle. Our minds have have reflected themselves onto life itself.

And I guess once you hit rock bottom, you can only tread on an incline from there.

Lyrics keep repeating themselves within the mind, trying to sort them and make sense of them. Trying to relate. Cuz god forbid, we hope we can relate to someone and hope someone knows this excruciating pain or extreme highs we've been feeling.. the feeling to be human. Why the hell are humans pretending they don't feel this feeling to BE human? that frustration of loving someone and it going to waste? not being in control of everything or anyone, including ourselves. We're building facades to be something we're not, ultimately to protect ourselves which isn't actually protecting.

I don't believe in destiny, however I try to believe in something bigger to remain sane and to keep me moving and trekking. I put my trust in hope. Hope that things will get better and suffering is often only temporary but essential to mending and reviving the human spirit.

Its Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Oh the euphoria I gain as I write the sweet numbers of two, zero, one and five. The four numbers I will write/see and live the next 362 days of the year.  As the earth has yet again made its journey around the sun and hit the point where the gregorian calendar began, it starts its cycle once again. The same path its been taking for 4.54 billion years. Our celebrations will continue to be held on the same mark for many more years to come.
Being the stubborn person I am, I don't quite believe in making lofty New Years Resolutions which quickly fade, leave people standing in the same weight, same relationships, and still in disappointment. That is until the next year... when they can repeat it all over again.
I do, however, like the feeling a new year brings. The feeling of rebirth, renewal, recreation and being able to see that 2015 remains unwritten and we are the ones who help fill the blank pages. The feeling that we can shake out the past year.
Each day should and can be treated as such though. Never again will there be a January 3rd, 2015, for today we're younger than we're ever going to be. Shake out the previous day and restart each day as it is a new one. Each day we live is bound to be written, but we have control over what is actually placed in ink.





In the sweet words of Florence and the Machine:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa