Obsession Confessions

Wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and decided to post it.

 Not the brightest of ideas to let two cups of coffee slip down your throat and into your stomach at the mere hour of 8 pm. For, it will only leave you wide awake at 1 am not knowing exactly what to do at this awkward time of the morning, as it has done to myself. Perhaps this will open the gates of a more creative mind... Who knows...

 So, cheers to a new blog post, I guess.

 As of late, I tend to have been reading outloud and even talking to myself in an english accent in this room of mine. I'd like to think I've been behaving in such a different way because I like to tie reading/literary works with english accents. Or perhaps because I listen to quite a bit of BBC. But mostly because I have been on a Florence + the Machine fixation, as of only a week ago. Obsessed? possibly. I never knew one could become such an anglophile in such a short time span.

 If anyone knows the true McKenna, they probably know me to my current obsession. Or atleast, that's how I see myself at times. Obsessions come and go for me. *Sorry Florence, that probably means you won't be with me as closely in the near future* These obsessions have seemed to define me. Creating new hobbies, new ideas, new styles, etc. etc. At the beginning, my obsessions consisted of characters on television screens: Barney and Blues Clues. Which then would turn its direction toward sports, as I spent a lot of time outside. At first I deemed myself the basketball queen, until my Grandpa convinced me I could be the next Mia Hamm of soccer in the U.S... and I dedicated myself to the great fields of Provo-recreation. And Eventually other things began to be added to the list. My brothers were major skateboarders. I was convinced I could be one too. My closet quickly changed from my cute first grade outfits to volcom, burton and who-knows-what skaters wore. The only trick I ever mastered (if I even did) was an ollie. Though, I do admit I was quite good at riding down my whole cul-de-sac. That slowly faded away after my skateboard broke.

When I was 10/11 my friends would eventually shape what I liked and disliked. We loved Bratzz and also created our own Mean Girls Club. I began wearing the pink I had always disliked. I even began straightening my hair. :o and once in a while, I thought I was able to apply my own makeup to my face.. which ironically always looked terrible, as I can still remember many negative comments about it.
 
Eventually 6th grade would hit and somehow these friends and I parted from another. Volleyball occupied much of my time, as did a weird obsession with musicals, the New York Yankees, New York, weird computer games, myspace, msn and Betty Hutton ( some crazy old actress who played Annie in Annie Get Your Gun) this woman inspired me to act, the yankees inspired me to believe I would be the first female mlb baseball player to ever exist. And the computer games.. they inspired me to spend so much time on the internet in the next 6 years and begin getting hooked.

 7th grade, I really did believe I was going to be an actress in musicals while playing volleyball on the side. I dedicated myself to choir and some acting classes after a woman I, now regretfully say: obsessed over. A 21 year old who played the role of Millie a local theater's Thoroughly Modern Millie. I spent many nights singing to that CD and even creating my own dances, only dreaming of the day I'd be actually preforming it on Broadway.

 These middle school days were awfully lonely for me, as I did spend many hours by myself and was highly critical of myself. I used to think that if I pretended and eventually morphed to be these people I obsessed over, my life would be come more clear, and most importantly: better. Regina Spektor, though was probably the best artist I had ever idolized. This woman represented the sort of idea that you don't have to look and behave like everyone else to be creative and successful. She brought me to believe many of things I do now: the importance of being yourself, not being sucked into conformity, ideas of relgion, accepting everybody for who they are and not being afraid to be quirky and different. Coincidentally, I began to wear red lipstick and learning some piano... conforming to her beliefs. Then came running, dutch soccer/ everything dutch to german which also got me to come to Germany for a year and preoccupies 20 minutes of my day learning and keeping up to-date with german current issues.

I did not mention everything I obsessed over, for we all know how that would end up... in endless agony.

But, as deteriorating as addictions and obsessions might be. Most may shape us into who we call ourselves today. Our past is our present, and our present is our future. Our likes and dislikes and what we do with our time today  have the power to create our tomorrows.

 P.S You should listen to Florence, though. She is a doll. Her lyrics are absolutely touching and beautifully crafted. And her voice. My god her voice. It sounds as if an angel were in her throat.